I’m not coping.
I’m just not coping. I think I’m doing okay but my jaw is constantly clenched, I’ve had a headache for six months and I’m so angry at the world I just want to go to sleep.
I try and be positive and think “While I’m stuck here I might as well…” lose weight/learn a new skill/fix my hair/skin/clothes but it usually lasts the 8 hours a Prozac lasts.
I feel so numb and trapped. I want to look after my Mum but I can’t do it anymore. She’s nearly getting to the point where she needs feeding. She can hardly coherently speak anymore. She can’t get to the bathroom unattended. I can’t do it all on my own and nobody is telling me what to do. I keep getting people saying “Call us for advice or to sort out carers etc” I don’t want that. I want somebody to say “This is what you need, we’ll put it in place for you.”
I can’t walk away. Although part of me desperately wants to. Part of me wants to text my brother and say “Yeah, if you’d helped out equally, this wouldn’t have happened. Now it’s all over to you.” and just disappear.