“What’s happening?”

“What’s happening?” “Where are we going?” “What time are we going?” “Then what’s happening?”

Five minutes later.

“What’s happening?” “Where are we going?” “What time are we going?” “Then what’s happening?”

Just believe me when I say I’ve sorted it. Do you not trust me? I’ve been looking after you for over six months now. Aside from that one day when I forgot your speech therapy session clashed with your MRI appointment, have I ever cocked up? If you can’t remember what’s happening, and you accept you can’t remember what’s happening, just trust that I’ve organised everything that needs doing. We don’t need to go through this every time you have an appointment for something – especially when it takes ten minutes to ask me one question.

And now I feel like that terrible person again. Like all the empathy has left my body. Like I can’t put myself in somebody else’s shoes for once and think about how confusing and scary this must be for her. Am I angry because I just want her to relax and stop worrying?

Mum has a hospital appointment tomorrow to discuss her latest MRI with the oncologist. I don’t know what I’m expecting. I know she doesn’t have long but she seems to be going downhill quite slowly. If they said she had weeks, I would be surprised as that would include a swift decline. So I’m expecting months. They said 12 months in March, so that gives her seven months. That sounds about right. I may not know what I’m expecting but as awful as it sounds, I don’t even know what I’m hoping. I don’t want her to hang on, ending up bed bound and unresponsive. And I know for a fact that if they say “She has years left yet” that I am in no position to care for her for that long. But then that sounds like I’m wishing a speedy end upon her – and who does that to their own mother?

I’m just so tired, and bored, and lonely. Maybe everybody’s childhood was like mine? Maybe everybody had such a fractured, weird relationship with their mother. I wonder if my childhood had been different, if I would feel differently now. Maybe it’s right I should spend 2015 feeling exactly how I did in 1995. Tired, bored, and lonely.

“What’s happening?”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s